I have had a very difficult time writing since I returned. Emotions are running high and intent on testing my limits. I have too much time on my hands. I am meeting people and making connections that actually leave my body humming and exhausted. After a very successful meeting and the possibilities of a promising date, I was concerned that my body could not take any more good…strange to feel, I know, but doors are opening and light is flooding in. I have grown mistrustful of too much good. I know that with those highs come their yang…Is it possible to have only good things happen? There must be balance and with so much wonderful, I have experienced such disappointment and spent innumerable wakeful nights restless with my own doubts.
I often laugh out loud. I argue with myself about the musings of my juxtaposed life. By day, I am moving forward like I’ve been shot from a canon. I am limitless. By night, I am alone with my thoughts and the ever-present danger of too much access.
So here I am, restless, confused but full of much gratitude and humility. I suppose this is life. This is being part of life and not just an observer of its goings-on. More than one friend recently told me that I am too open. I allow myself to be too vulnerable and available. I need to learn to be present yet less available emotionally. I struggle with this idea. Yet I doubt I can be anything less, or is it more? I am this self, aware of my faults and unaware of my limits. I have been back for a short time and have not stopped running. I can only hope that I am moving toward the good. I will remain vulnerable and open.