I have been home for six weeks. In this time I have lived in three homes, recovered from jet lag, been on seven dates, submitted countless resumes, hearing back from three with two interviews. I got my dream job without resume or interview. I have bought a bike, a car, a bed, eaten hundreds of tacos, found a roommate, got a new phone number and started running. I recently heard back from date number five, being told rather casually that he is now exploring poly relationships and although i didn’t seem like the type of girl who would be interested, give him a call if i was. I’m not.
So I woke up this morning and had a somewhat startling epiphany. I have been home for only six weeks (!!) and in that time i have not stopped moving, pushing, pressing forward, afraid to slow down and afraid to be alone. I am on a quest, searching for something but not know what that is exactly. God forbid i slow down long enough to find out.. I need to slow – the – hell – down. Trust my instincts. I need to start work inwardly. I need to stop looking for something to calm my rattles that is outside my own self. I need to put down the phone and pick up my running shoes more often. I need to learn how to ride my bicycle in the city without terror.
Not able to sleep, the 6am sunshine pulled me outside, doing something active, something to celebrate the weather. I was also curbing a bit of a panic attack. Full moon anxiety? I had made a very definite decision to move forward, on my own at my own pace..alone. I went to breakfast with a friend and realized that I am okay with this hiatus. I have earned it. All of these needs listed, the one glaring pattern I am seeing, is time. All of these wonderful needs will only take time. These are not things that will be easy nor quick. They will take time and patience and strong will. They are also things that will quiet my head.
As i am moving back into my green bean, I stopped by my favorite shop and bought a new candle that smells like other worldly things; beets, and moss and pine needles. Polygamy is not for me. I don’t need to share that much.